What I saw on Christmas Day
This is what I saw on Christmas Day while sitting on the couch with my husband at the Vicarage by the Sea, the Alzheimer’s care facility where he now resides.
Earlier, Henry and I had exchanged simple gifts. I gave him a homemade sock monkey that said “Kisses For You” on its hat; I’d read stuffed toys are a good idea for someone who is approaching the advanced stages of dementia. He gave me a handmade red and brown felt bird that I saw in a store window in downtown Brunswick. Of course, I had picked it out and wrapped it, but it was something I really wanted.
We also enjoyed the ham dinner that had been prepared for the eight residents — three who are independently ambulatory, the rest in wheelchairs or using walkers with assistance — and whatever family members happened to be there. As it turned out, I was the only additional diner, although visitors came and went all afternoon.
The parlor couch on which we sat is across from the piano in a large living room. Another resident’s daughter had come to play Christmas carols, something I knew Henry would enjoy. Her father went off to the bathroom for a few minutes, and when he came out he wouldn’t settle down in the chair she had pulled next to the piano bench. Pretty much nonverbal, he was trying to figure something out. Finally, he saw her coat and put it on. “Dad, what are you doing in my coat? It looks funny on you!” she said.
“Maybe he’s cold,” I offered. “Yes, you usually have a sweater on,” said Dale, one of two staff people on duty. He quickly found one for him to wear and that settled him down and the music began.
Henry and I attempted to sing along — “Angels we have heard on high.” She urged, “Sing, Dad. You know this one!” Trying very hard to bring some holiday cheer, she was playing too quickly for her “choir.” Just as I was getting ready to suggest she slow down for us, something caught my attention.
It is routine for the staff to bring a resident or two to the bathroom after a meal, so there was nothing unusual about Dale and Millie guiding Mary across the parlor in her wheelchair. Profoundly impacted by the disease, she was no longer joining the others at the dining room table. Instead, someone would feed her in her recliner. No one goes to bed during the day; that is reserved for night-time sleep and wisely so. There are comfortable chairs in which to doze or nap. So when Mary was wheeled into a bedroom off a hallway adjacent to the parlor, I took note.
As “Hark, the herald angels sing!” rang out, I watched Dale and Millie spread two waterproof pads over the sheets on the bed. Then as one held up the comforter, the other placed Mary in the bed and tucked the covers under her chin. I could see Mary’s face and it became clear to me that she had passed away sometime during Christmas dinner. Tears stung my eyes, but Henry sat unaware and the music continued.
One of the more active residents had followed the staff into Mary’s bedroom, so he was gently guided toward the parlor. As he came aside the piano, the man sitting by his daughter jumped up to confront the seeming interloper. Gently, Millie placed her arm between the two men, the daughter redirected her father to his chair and calm was restored.
Soon Eric arrived to begin his shift at the residence. Millie called to him with not a flicker of distress in her voice, “When you get settled, we could use your help in here.”
Dale took Eric out of my view, no doubt to explain the situation. Then Eric went to Mary’s bedside. He knelt down and cupped her face in his hands for a few moments, then placed a hand over her heart. Finally, Millie, Dale and Eric –glassy-eyed but composed — left the bedroom and closed the door behind them. There was some telephoning back and forth in the kitchen. I heard the name of a funeral home mentioned.
Dale’s shift was ending. He donned his coat, braved a smiled and said to the residents and visitors, “Merry Christmas, everybody,” as he headed out the door and home. Eric and Millie continued with their appointed tasks, tending for those in their care.
I made a trip to the bathroom. When I returned, the pianist had ended her concert and learned of Mary’s death. She was in tears. Up to that point, the event had been handled so well that I was the only other visitor or resident who knew what was transpiring that Christmas afternoon. Henry was waiting for me on the couch, all smiles, still unaware.
Before too long, two well-dressed men wheeled a gurney into Mary’s room and closed the door behind them. They had come in through a back door and covered the gurney in a pretty quilt to soften appearances for any observers. In a while, the bedroom door opened and Mary’s stay at the facility drew to a close. “Sleep in heavenly peace,” I thought.
I told Eric how beautifully the staff had handled Mary’s passing. “I’ve done this many times,” he said. “But it’s good to hear you say that.”
I complimented Millie as well. “The hard part is not crying,” she said, as she turned her attention to the needs before her.
By Claire M. Lambert Gosselin
Johanna,
I think what you’re doing is just wonderful! I remember many years ago seeing a piece on the Eden Alternative (I think that’s what it was called) & it truly moved me. My mother was working as a receptionist at a Nursing Home at the time & they were “trying” to implement some of the practices but it fell short but at least they were trying. It makes me crazy how our elderly are treated & housed in huge Nursing Homes basically waiting to die!
I’ve recently had first hand experience with my very elderly grandfather who came to live with my son & I & without going into a long winded story, he lived with us for 6 months & it was very, very difficult & I was able to (for the first time in my life) understand why Nursing Homes exist, but still don’t agree with them for the most part. He is now in Mississippi where he went for a visit in Sept. & my Aunt who lives there & is the director of nurses in a small private nursing home, decided to place him instead of letting him come back with us. Initially I was relieved to not have the responsibility & a break, but soon after I knew it was the wrong choice, but I’ve been the single voice who wants him back. It breaks my heart to have him so far away from me especially since he’s been in my life for my entire life. He’s now 99 years old & has many struggles but I still believe the best place for him is with his family. My Aunt is technically his daughter but she’s very detached from him since she’s lived away for over 50 years & she really doesn’t know him very well. She also has a son who’s married & they have two children 12 & 10 (my grandfather’s great grandchildren) but they don’t bother with him much either, it’s just so sad. This year was the first year that I didn’t spend Thanksgiving with him but took comfort with the fact that he would be with his family only to find out that they didn’t include him in their Thanksgiving plans nor did they change their plans & spend it with him, SO SAD! Sorry, I didn’t mean to unload on you, that’s not what this email was supposed to be about.
Again, what you’re doing is wonderful & I would love for my grandfather to be part of this experience but his health is so compromised that I don’t think he’ll ever be able to come back & be with us, again, so sad!
Thanks for treating your residents like human beings because they deserve it! I keep telling everyone that will listen to me about my grandfather, all he did WRONG was get old, he didn’t do anything to deserve the way he’s being treated, he just got OLD & we’ll all be old one day, it’s not something you have control over!
Maybe I’ll visit your wonderful sanctuary someday, keep up the great work!
Merry Christmas
Right now it is hard for me to write this letter because I never thought there would be such a wonderful place for Alzheimer’s patients. I just happen to come across your program on mid maine . My brother is only 60 and he has had this terrible disease for six years now. He is only a year older then I am and this has been a hard acceptence for me. But the worst is to see where he is… There is no personal touch to it, its so cold and the people there do not even know that much about my brother. When I was there at Thanksgiving to see him when I got ready to leave I let a young aide know I was leaving because they didnt want to leave him alone in his room. He was all smiles when she came in and I told her he reacts well to you because you are the age of the high school students he taught and he loved his students. And she said oh I didnt know that. This really upset me they should know this about him. He was a fantastic teacher at a high school, and a coach, advisor, school photographer and friend to his students and fellow teachers. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking care of these people with such love and dignity. Could you please send me some brouchures on your center so I could put them up in my hair salon for families to know about such a wonderful place for their love ones who need your type of care. I would love to know about the cost and if you are private pay only.
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer this letter. Bless you for what you do.
Anonymous
Good Morning, I want to congratulate you on the care you are providing to help those that need it the most. I have to say that it would have made the transition easier for my mom if she were able to be in your care. She loved her home but when it became unsafe to live there alone due to the progression of Alzheimers I had to choose the best place possible within driving distance so I could see Mom regularly, after work and on weekends. It was my time to do what I could for her and show her the love she gave me for 51 years of my life.
My husband and I live just outside of Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada and are planning a sight seeing trip to Maine in September, while looking up Cooks Lobster House on Bailey Island I ended up looking at the walking trails in Harpswell and from there ended up at your site. You have touched my heart to know that there is such a home as yours for those who need a warm caring helping hand. Never have I heard or read of any type of home for those with memory loss, where all the residents have the same debilitating health problem. The children and animals must add a tremendous amount of normalacy to those in your care. My mom would have felt very much at home because she never saw either a child or a dog that did not need to have her loving hand on their head and a sweet word spoken to them. It is out of character for me to e-mail like this but having the sweetest mom on earth who required the type of care you provide just made me want to
reach out and say “Bravo”. Not only are you helping the residents but you are also removing a tremendous stress from the families, what a wonderful gift. I am in admiration of you and what you do. Have a great day!
Elaine Parker
Finding The Vicarage By The Sea was to me, a gift from heaven..
Before this time I was tense, nervous and honestly running out of gas. I am sure Madeleine must have sensed this though she never mentioned it.
Now she is in a situation where her needs for assistance in getting up from a chair or moving from one place to another are being met by a professional staff.
I was favorably impressed by my first visit to the Vicarage and I continue to find nothing but good things to say about this home and the high quality of the people who operate and maintain this facility.
Romain Savoie
We knew the day would come when I could no longer care for my husband at home, but finding The Vicarage took a lot of the sting out of seperating. It was all that I wanted for Henry: a home-like setting with a high staff to resident ratio, pets, woodlands with an ocean view and, most important to me, no locked doors. It is Henry’s home away from home and the best possible solution in a difficult situation. Read an Article by Claire
Claire M. Gosselin
Thank you for the wonderful care of Priscilla, our mom. Your gentle care of her made her long good-bye much easier for all of us. Mom was happy with you folks which made our loosing of her in our midst, easier to bare.
We will miss her warm and gentle spirit. She was truly a great lady! Wishing you long careers at what you all do so well!
Pat for Priscilla’s Family
Words will never quite express what you have all done for Mom in the last year of her life – your sweetness and respect for her each day gave her the space to be angry, a little sad, impulsive (she was always that) and funny, and finally allowed her to feel comfortable. In caring for her so well, you also made all of my family’s lives better, too, by allowing us to feel secure that Ma was getting the best care we could ever imagine. You all are amazing. Thank you.
Henry
My mother has been at the Vicarage for more than a year. After only a short time, I noticed an improvement in her attitude and mood. She was more cheerful and was much more aware of her surroundings. The stimulation of children, animals and other people, helps her to stay awake for longer periods of time. The atmosphere is warm, caring and happy. The staff are professional, patient, kind, loving and knowledgeable about the elderly and dementia. We checked out many nursing homes in the area and could not find any that compared to the environment found at the Vicarage. Irene is regarded as part of a large family and is treated like a very special grandmother. I am very happy with all aspects of her care.
Wayne T.
We want to thank you for the loving care that you gave Irene for the last 3 years of her life. We feel like she was treated like a part of your family. She was a very special lady who we’ll miss very much. We wish you could have known her in better times. Keep up the wonderful work you are doing. This world needs more people like you and places like you have, for our loved ones. Please tell your staff we appreciate all they did, too.
